Why I Love the 80s

I need to learn to dance like this... brilliant.

A Discussion on Poop

Ah, the joys of motherhood. Who knew that I would ever be one to include a post about poop on my blog? As it stands, this is the conversation Avril and I had this morning when we were getting ready for church:

"I have green poop, Mom."
"Really?"
"Yeah, in the toilet downstairs, in the family room bathroom. I didn't flush."
"I know."
"I don't have green poop now. I have different shaped poop. I have snake poop! I like snakes. Snakes are fun. Snakes are good to me. I like spiders, too. Look, Mom, I have snake poop and different-shaped poop! I have kaysuh-i-diya (how she says quesadilla) poop! I don't like quesa-i-dilla poop. We don't like quesa-i-dilla poop, do we Mom?"

Foux da fa fa

Translation:
"I would like a croissant. Pleased to meet you. Where is the library? Here is my passport. Ah, Gerard Depardieu. Baguette. *laughs*"
"Baguette, *laughs*"
"And now the trip to the supermarket! Grapefruit! Pineapple! Orange Juice! Beef! Soup of the Day! Camembert! Jacque Cousteau, baguette"
"Hello"
"Hello"
"Hello"
"Hello Sir"
"Hello my little bureau de change"
"Alright?"
"I'm alright, alright?"
"I'm alright"
"Voila, the conversation in the park"
"Where is the book?"
"At the library"
"And the dance music?"
"At the disco"
"And the disco?"
"It's here, baby!"
"One, two, one two three four"
"Where is the pool?"
"Pardon me?"
"Where is the pool?"
"Huh?"
"Splish splash!"
"Uhhh... I don't understand."
"Do you speak French?"
"Uhhh..."
"Do you speak French?"
"Uhhh.... No."

Match Results

Well, the results are in and it's official! We're moving to Logan next year! Hello the West. Hello mountains. Hello snowboarding. Hello friends and family. Hello grandmas.
The idea of moving to Logan is such a fresh one for me. It involves so many new things and so many of the familiar: old friends and family within an easy driving distance; still includes the driving distance; new community- I'm not entirely sure what to expect when I get there; I'm looking forward to all the outdoorsy stuff; a new house- hopefully... I'm looking forward to applying all the things I'm learning here (from the artsy to the social) and trying a new take, a new start. As hard as it is to pick up and move every couple of years, it is nice that it affords us the chance to clean out our lives: our houses and our habits and start over with new things we've learned.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers...

But boy, does a beggar's life suck! Yeah, I played the beggar this past weekend. But before we discuss the first line, let's start with the happy side of the weekend.

My friend Natalie invited me out to her wedding a few months ago (the invite occurred a few months ago; the wedding occurred this weekend.) and offered a buddy pass (aka standby ticket) for $80 to fly to Phoenix from Kirksville. Not bad. Not bad at all. Probably would have normally cost upwards of $350 (off the top of my head). I procrastinated giving her a solid answer until shortly before the trip because I wasn't sure how standby worked and didn't want to wind up stranded halfway to Phoenix or something. So when it was pretty clear that the flight wouldn't be full, that I would have a seat, I went ahead and got the ticket.

For those who are wondering, yes, I left the girls home with Derek. Just that is the makings of a beautiful vacation...

The flight over was perfect, went without a hitch. Natalie picked me up at the airport, we went to her parents' place where I met her family, did our nails and watched episodes of The Office (brilliant, absolutely brilliant). Saturday morning we went and got pedicures. I've only ever had three, so I can't really say this with much authority (as far as that that comes from experience), but that was honestly the best pedicure EVER. For $25, I got your basic pedicure, plus a 10-15 minute hot stone massage for my legs, the best nails ever and a cute little flower (with glitter!) on each of my big toenails. The girl who gave me mine did an amazing job and we all agreed that I got the best one.

I won't bother to mention that I haven't completely weaned Xandri yet and did indeed forget my pump, because anyone who hasn't nursed a child can't really understand the level of pain that that causes. Fortunately, Natalie's sil had one to lend...

The rest of the day was spent helping Natalie get ready for her big event, helping her keep a cool head and convincing her that no one would notice the giant basketball hoop that her dear family had failed to remove (the thing takes 6 men to take down--- at least half that number essentially refused to help). She looked absolutely amazing in her wedding gown and her wedding went really well. Her parents have an amazing yard, with the most beautiful pool I've ever seen (short of a really cool resort we went to in Mazatlan. Yeah, it was that cool). The food at the reception was great and her family was fun to hang out with and chat with. I enjoyed being able to hang out without the concern or whining of small children. Well, the ones that were mine anyway. It was almost music to my ears to hear it from children who weren't mine. No responsibility!

After the reception, Natalie and Pete left and we helped take everything down and clean up. My flight was to leave at 9am. Unfortunately, forgetful boob that I am, I left my phone at the hairdresser's and we had to stop by before we went to the airport. So we left at around 6:30, grabbed my phone and checked in at the airport... did the whole security thing, went to my gate (of course it was at the end of the horrible terminal, but no big deal... yet). Here's where it started to curve downhill. I checked in at the gate to find that they were overbooked by three. There was essentially no way I was going to make that flight.

I began to evaluate my options. I asked the gate attendant a few questions and learned that there was a flight leaving at 3pm that was almost as full as the one leaving at 9am; a flight leaving at 6:23pm that was wide open; a flight going to St. Louis leaving 10 minutes before mine that had an opening or two; and that Monday's flights to KC were essentially the same as far as times and bookings. I proceeded to call Derek to find out what he was willing to do and what time the Amtrak left for La Plata.

Driving the 2h45m drive to KC with two little girls was impossible for him. Nothing real stood in his way aside from the inconvenience. That ruled out St. Louis as well. The Amtrak wouldn't work out either.

All things considered, my best option was to leave on the 6pm flight that evening. Fortunately for me, Natalie's wonderful parents had left me their phone number and they were more than happy to pick me up from the airport to wait until it was time to go again. (I owe them.)

Summing up, I stayed with them until my 6pm flight, flew into KC at about 11pm. (Before I left, A. kindly called and offered to hotwire a hotel for me... My response: "Mmm, no, $50 is too much for now." I'm sure I'll be able to sleep at the airport, right? No problem.

About halfway through the flight, I started to get a migraine. I define migraine by a throbbing headache accompanied by nausea. I tried to sleep on the flight, but was definitely uncomfortable. I arrived feeling extremely cranky, tired and overall sick. And with nowhere to go. Ok. So the benches that I had planned to sleep on? Yeah, they ALL had armrests. I literally had to curl up into the space of one seat and sleep on my "borrowed" airline pillow on the cold, hard, metallic arm rest with my legs tucked up into my chest in a severe fetal position. I "slept" for about two hours this way.

At 1:30 I woke up and tried various new positions. Nothing really helped. I tried to sleep on the cold linoleum floor. HA! That was awful. Next option: bathroom countertop. No better. It was probably about 2:30 or so by the time I wandered down the hall in search of carpeted floor. Luckily I found some. Unfortunately, every time I "fell asleep", I would wake up what would seem to be an hour or two later only to find a measly twenty minutes had passed. I have never passed such a long night in my life. Not even when I was giving birth. Finally, I went and checked in at 4:30 when they opened and went to wait for a gift shop to open so I could get some Excedrin. Meanwhile, I tried to eat a little bit. I ate a couple bites of a croissant I had and half an apple. Yeah, all that nausea? Good thing I was next to a trash can. Do you think I remembered toothpaste? How about gum? Any kind of breath freshener at ALL? Course not.

So I spent the next three hours trying to ignore the vomit-taste in my mouth and trying not to vomit again. Still trying to catch even a little shut-eye.

The plane ride went quickly and naturally Derek was late picking me up. As it happens, that was probably the best sleep I got the entire night-- Kirksville's airport has futons.

Red Barn

Here's that post I told you I was going to put up...


I figure you can all glean from the wisdom I gained during my participation in the festival, so here's what I learned at Red Barn:

1- Finish your art BEFORE the week of the festival.2- Plan and be prepared to fully assemble your booth BEFORE the night prior to the festival.

3- Prepare any business items (e.g. business cards, blogs, etc) BEFORE the week of the festival.

4- Be prepared with a backup plan for printing if your printer stops printing in color and you can't share your work with any other computer because of incompatible programs and fonts. This may or may not include reimbursing a darling friend with a delicious apple pie (it's a-comin' Ruth, it's a-comin')

5- If you share a booth, make sure your work is on par with your booth-mates'. (For example, if you share a booth with three amazingly talented artists who spent far more time, money and effort and show far more talent than you, don't expect to sell anything. Unless you price your work lower comparatively. See Pricing.) (See what I mean? My little tapestry is cute on it's own, but next to Debbie's art? HA! You skip right over it!)

6- Pricing: Learn to price your work based on at least the following criteria:

• -your time
• -cost to you
• -talent
• -coolness factor
• -whether or not you live in Kirksville (if you do, drop your prices $30. At least.)
• -your booth-mates' talent and effort in comparison to yours

7- Adjust your behavior or expectations: for example, don't go take a belly-dancing class in the middle of the festival if you're hoping to sell something during that time. Perhaps a more active sales approach will actually win some sales. If you'd prefer to take a belly-dancing class than stand in the horrible cold rain and try and convince people that your work is worth buying, then don't expect to sell anything.

8- Remember that if the weather is perfect the day before the festival and there is a 20% chance of rain in the afternoon the day of the festival, that really means it's going to start the night before and rain continuously during set-up and for the first several hours of the morning, leading into a cold and dreary day that few people want to linger in. Oh, and you can bank on the day after being pretty perfect, too.

9- Learn to listen to your husband. Try and remember all the I-told-you-so moments that you've recently experienced (within the past year or so) when it comes to business and pricing. Get a clue that he actually really might know something.

10- Remember all those things you told yourself going into it:

• if you don't sell any, they're great for your own decor
• if you don't sell any, they'll make great Christmas gifts
• you're ok if you broke even. Or even if you learned something.
• you really didn't expect to sell a bunch anyway
• it was the best excuse in the world to get two amazing, wonderful girls to come out for a visit
• and that is honestly the deal-breaker. That's what made the whole thing worth it and that's why I would share my booth with these girls again and again, no matter what else happens!

To sum up-- yes, there were a few set-backs. To quote a dr.'s office sign that my mom has had on her fridge since I can remember, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part." My failure to plan led to a lot of my problems, I think. But even with it all, it was so worth it to have Melody come and stay (if only briefly) with me and hang out with one of the most amazing women I know. Honestly, just working with her for those two days, I saw so much in her that I look up to. I feel like I have so much to learn and I respect her immensely. I loved sharing the booth with Debbie and Rachel as well, they are both amazing artists and I feel I have much to learn from them as well. What wonderful women to share such a cold, dreary and disappointing day with. I would choose no one else.

Ew. Ew. EWWWWW!

That's what I said when I looked out the window today and saw Kitty dragging a half-eaten rabbit carcass across my lawn... I'll say it again: EW!Ewewewewewewewewew! I'm still reeling. I asked Derek if it was too gross to blog about and he was like, "No, go blog! Do you want me to pull it out of the trash so you can take a picture?" I said, "No, just that you said that is blog-worthy."

Can I just say I cannot believe that those little nerds actually caught the thing in the first place? (I refuse to consider the possibility they were eating roadkill.) I mean, those rabbits are fast. I don't want to ever envision those dogs in that scenario. And by the way: I definitely need to replace the batteries in their collars...

Check it out!

Check out my new blog! I've decided to start selling tapestries. In theory. Who knows if anyone will actually buy any. But, even so, my blog looks pretty cool and I get to show off something I have fun doing, whether or not anyone wants one. And hey, great gifts and decor for my own house, eh?

Tapestries by Design

Oh, and coming soon: pics and stories about Red Barn with which to regale you.

Oprah Really Dropped the Ball

Latest disturbing news to cross my computer screen:

On September 25, 2007 Oprah aired a show entitled "237 Reasons to have Sex" which featured "experts" who advocated casual sex with friends, pornography, and having affairs as ways to improve relationships and marriage.

For full text of the article and a chance to sign a petition, go to Lighted Candle.
For the actual details on Oprah's site, check out her archival record of 237 Reasons to Have Sex.

This just makes me sick. I have an idea! In order to improve relationships and intimacy in marriage, let's promote infidelity, one-night stands and media that objectifies women! Let's get as many people out there transmitting STDs not only to each other, but potentially creating an even bigger mess when it comes to paternity for new babies and passing on our sick STDs to our children. Since we don't have enough problems with addictions (food, TV, drugs, alcohol, video games, etc), let's promote porn to further that problem. Because if there's anyone out there who doesn't have an addiction, we need to find them and help them indulge their weakness. Instead of solidifying our relationships and families, let's fracture them further, because obviously having healthy, natural, monogamous relationships isn't making anyone happy and STDs and unplanned pregnancies bring so much joy. Yes, let's attack even monogamous marriages and suggest to couples' minds that aberrant sex habits are the way to solve their problems...

New Skill Acquisition: Oven Installation

Yes, that's right, folks, I'm your new handy-dandy oven installer! Who knew unplugging a horrible oven outlet thing (k, so I'm lacking on the terminology, but I have the method down!) would be so involved?!

First things first: why and where did we get a new oven?
1) Why: because our old oven is a lovely mustard color, which says to me, along with the film of oil covering the body of the oven and the worn look of everything else, that this oven was manufactured circa 1977. I have friends that were born that year. I myself would be about 6 years younger than that. I say '77 because that's when the house was built, and I don't think it's been replaced. Ever. Once it caught fire. Also, we want to replace our fridge (I'm positive the money we pay for the extra energy it's using could go to the payments for a new fridge) and were worried about having to spend a couple hundred to replace the oven, too. (Doesn't make sense? Keep reading.)

2) Where: our neighbors around the corner were having a garage sale. Circumstances surrounding the sale of the oven are these: Three months ago previous owner bought new appliances for house. New neighbors wanted stainless steel. Previous owner knew they weren't going to keep appliances and bought back new fridge (crap! We needed that!). New neighbors decided to try and sell oven at garage sale or in the paper, asking $75 at sale, $100 in paper. Mentioned we were poor med students, found out he was a resident. New neighbors say, "hey, we know what it's like being poor, we'll give it to you for $50!"
Bottom line: 3 month old, barely used oven for $50! Woohoo!

So we get a new oven. Derek goes over there tonight and borrows their dolly, walking it around the corner. I help him lift it into the house (I nearly died in an oven-crushing accident) and into the kitchen. He told me that he would finish the heavy lifting if I'd take care of the plug. Neither of us knew how involved that would be. Brief synopsis: remove panel, unscrew three bolts to remove three wires, remove whole plug, reinsert on other oven, screw bolts back in, replace panels. Can I just mention that it probably literally took me 45 minutes just to do the screwing and unscrewing? Those things were rusted good. Derek pushed it back to the wall (well, halfway. He got bored halfway through and said I could finish it once I put the panel back on. What a darling.) Then he and I removed the horrible old oven from the kitchen to the garage and I've been looking up places that will pick it up to recycle! Anyway, the thing is gorgeous compared to our old one. I hope we can find a decent deal on a fridge, since that's what we really need...
You may not be able to see it, but note that the guard on the bottom of the fridge has fallen off, exposing who-knows-what kind of disgusting, dangerous things for babies and puppies to find, play with and insert into little mouths...

My ********** Streak...

So I got pulled over tonight for ********. I'm afraid that if I actually say the word, my winning streak will be over. Yes, I've been pulled over multiple times for ********, yet somehow I always escape ticketless. My record is as clean as a whistle. I'm pretty sure that as time goes on, that's working in my favor. However, I'm getting careless.

The funny thing about tonight is that I pulled over before I got pulled over. Meaning I was pulling onto the shoulder to turn onto my street and the officer turned on his lights as he followed me around the corner. I think he thought I saw him and knew why I was in trouble, but the truth was, I was on auto-pilot. My mind was nowhere near the speedometer. Apparently, I was going 10 ***** over the *****limit. I had no idea. All I was thinking about was getting home to my procrastinated projects-- and more importantly, bed.

Lucky for me, he was a really nice guy and informed me before he ran my license and registration that he wasn't going to ticket me. I don't know what it is about me. Of course, I'm always really calm, and I'm always ready to submit if I know I'm in the wrong. Scared, because no one wants a ticket (especially when contemplating telling the husband, "Oh yeah, hon, I got the dog food. Oh, and by the way, igotaticket.... Night!") But really, I usually know I deserve it and I can accept the consequences. I mean, there's nothing I hate worse than an unjust ticket, which I'll fight tooth and nail (Derek got one of those when he was interviewing here in Missouri, ironically. I'm still t.o.'d about that. ---aside: I'm bringing t.o.'d back. I mean, really, why did that ever go out of style? End of aside.). But I'm also a huge fan of justice in general, even when the ruling goes against me. So I think that honestly might be working in my favor... Course, then again, I might just be crazy.

Hooray for justice and nice cops!