These Things I Believe

Over the past year I have been in the society of many different people of varying backgrounds, beliefs and interests. Not to say that I haven't all my life, but let's face it: I grew up in Rexburg, Idaho. We all knew the black kid who went to our school. And we mostly knew the few non-Mormons. And that's how they're known-- a distinguishing name that is exclusive, not inclusive.

I've spent time in other places as well: I've lived in Buford, GA (a suburb of Atlanta), Kansas City, MO, Laie, HI, Provo, UT, and Warrenville, IL (a suburb of Chicago). However, most of my time in each of these places was spent in the society of a close circle of friends who largely had the same backgrounds and beliefs that I do. Up until now, my married life hasn't really been spent getting to know new people and make new friends.

This past year, however, I've been "exposed", shall we say, to a much broader and diverse social population. For one thing, I got on Facebook... which unless you join and participate in groups, it can also be reserved for those you already know. Initially, I shied away from groups, thinking that online friendships/relationships are somewhat creepy. However, I began to branch out and joined a few groups just for fun, as identifiers in my personality. Groups like "Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good, Too" and "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" and "But Why Is All the Rum Gone?" Mainly groups whose titles said something about me and my personality or sense of humor and whose site I did not frequent.

Eventually, however, I began to join more serious, philosophical groups. I began with a group called "Who is John Galt?" For those of you who have read Atlas Shrugged, volumes can be read into that single question. The main thing I picked out of that group was that as Objectivists, it is entirely inconsistent with the philosophy to hold a belief in God. Unfortunately for all their theories, I do not in the least find it inconsistent with the philosophy, but quite the reverse: my belief in God and my beliefs about God (who He is and what His nature is) complement the rest of the school of thought quite nicely. And even more ironically, I think of John Galt as a Christ figure. And unless she's changed her mind about things in the afterlife, I know Ayn Rand is rolling over in her grave every time I say that. So my apologies to the brilliant authoress for corrupting her philosophy, but I think she can understand what I mean when I say that I cannot reject reality for another person's beliefs. (foreshadowing...)

I left the group when it became too heated and frustrating for me to read. I internalize things a lot and the things that were said regarding God in that group of atheists were honestly probably setting the scene for a nice, good ulcer down the road. Continuing in my search for others who felt similarly, I perused other groups, but met once again with the same arguments. Reading so many discussions (99% over-heated) in some ways helped me, because I was able to strengthen my own testimony by resolving in my own mind the concerns of others. But mostly, it was a source of pain and frustration. I longed to prove to these intellectuals that it was possible to be an intellectual and believe in God-- and moreover, I simply wanted to prove to them the existence of God on their terms, using logic alone. I knew there must be some way that I could do it, I just had to think harder and longer. I read the arguments of other Christians and shook my head, knowing they were futile in some and just plain embarrassed for the poor "intellectual" representation they were displaying in others. And yet I still had nothing to offer other than the fact that I knew what was there wouldn't satisfy. They wanted proof of God without faith, without feeling, without the Holy Spirit; yet such proof is not to be had-- faith is essential in knowing God: He set it up that way on purpose.

In one of these groups there was a discussion entitled "Give me one LOGICAL reason to believe God exists". A very smug physics student sat smiling out of his profile picture, just waiting to scientifically refute any and all arguments anyone could throw his way. And he did. No one could offer the infallible proof he sought. He had an argument for everything. It was honestly like beating your head against a brick wall. I read the arguments and had only the stomach for about three pages worth (the post went on for about 27 or so...) before I gave up in despair-- not because his words had any effect on my testimony, but because there was to be no budging of this man. He wasn't set up to hear truth, he was set up to refute what he thought of as a big joke. I was so frustrated, at once knowing that I was right, that the gospel is true, that God lives, that His Son, Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered through an infinite Atonement in order to offer us salvation and eternal life with our Heavenly Father-- and knowing, too, that I had no way to prove "LOGICALLY" and infallibly this knowledge. And then a thought came to my mind, accompanied by absolute reassurance and peace: "I am right". And I knew then, that for this moment at least, that was the most important thing. I didn't have to prove to this person-- or anyone else for that matter-- that God does indeed live. There will come a time when "every knee shall bow..., and every tongue shall confess to God" (Romans 14:11). That is not my responsibility, nor is it even in my power. The important thing was that I knew. The important thing is that I live according to what I know. The important thing is that I share what I know with people who are willing and interested. But there is no forcing the mind of man. God treasures our agency even above our righteousness-- He would that we would all be righteous, that we would repent and come to Him, but He will not force us into His presence. If He did, He would cease to be God.

So finally, I decided to leave these groups that were causing so much anguish in my mind and soul. Instead, I joined what I had deemed somewhat "cheesy" and perhaps a little flamboyent: I joined a group entitled The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Being a member of the church, in my mind, is enough. No need to join a facebook group, too... but after being in so many angry, argumentative groups, the thing my mind and soul needed most at that moment was to be among people who hold the same basic beliefs that I do. The Church is perfect; its members, however, are not and we each have varying degrees of beliefs and standards even among our own. We each judge each other to some degree or another on our standards. But ultimately, we have the same fundamentals. And it is such a relief to be able to roll my eyes and dismiss such discussions as whether or not tankinis are modest enough (seriously, this was on the discussion board) as opposed to dealing with the turmoil that accompanied discussions on the existence of God. I feel as if I can relax and enjoy the beliefs that I hold dear and not worry about offending someone or misrepresenting the church. And here, after a novel's worth of blogging, I come to my point.

I've been involved with another group here in the 'Ville. A wonderful group of amazing women (and some men) who are terrifically supportive and just fun to get to know. However, as with most large groups of women (and some men!), we have a tendency to offend each other and to get offended-- often at stupid things. Lately it has been stressed more and more that this group is non-partisan, and by that I'm not just referring to politics. I mean that it is a group that is very diverse and welcoming to all backgrounds, religions, races, and genders. And as such, it is important that it not be supportive or exclusive to one demographic or another. Largely, the problem is that since there are a large number of LDS in the group, there tends to be a lot of talk about church amongst ourselves, as well as gross assumptions made about other members-- namely, that they are also LDS. Now, some of these people-- who are not LDS-- find this alienating and offensive. And I'm sorry for them. That is such an important part of what we are taught to be: accepting and loving of those of different beliefs and backgrounds. We are not to be exclusive or clique-y. And yet, sometimes we are-- simply because we all come out here, it's new, we're new and we know no one. We meet people at church and flock to one another, unfortunately excluding those who don't attend our ward. And we're surprised when we get out here: we don't expect there to be such a large LDS population. We didn't come out here for it... we simply fell into it. Likely because we are a family-oriented group and ATSU is so family-friendly. We also believe that the body and the spirit are the soul of man, so a body/mind/spirit approach to medicine is right in line with the teachings of our religion. This surprise at seeing so many who share our fundamental beliefs translates into our over-eager friendliness to other members and our inadvertent exclusion of those who aren't members of our church. And in turn to the assumption that since there are so many out here who are LDS, anyone who shares our standards (sleeved shirts, whatever) is LDS, too. And we make offensive assumptions.

So I find myself in the middle of this. I don't believe I've ever made the mistake of openly assuming someone is LDS who isn't. I am very aware that while there is a surprisingly large LDS population out here, the majority still isn't LDS. So personally, I'm not guilty. However, I have a tendency to take responsibility for all other Mormon faux pas and overcompensate for them, trying desperately to show our non-LDS friends that we are indeed open-minded and accepting and that while occasionally some of us trip up with a silly mistake (and believe me, I'm sure the offender feels just as stupid and awkward as the offended), for the most part we are good people trying to live our religion as best we know how. Somehow, I think that I personally can make up for any number of others' mistakes by being ridiculously accommodating. And I've gotten to a point where I feel guilty if the topic of my religion is even broached, whether or not it's brought up by me. I feel anxious when I'm asked what church I belong to, because I feel as if I'm signing my own death warrant-- as if by informing them I am LDS, that I am Mormon, I am offending them by believing what I do. It's stifling. It's exhausting. And it's unfair. There's no need for me to sacrifice my own beliefs on the Altar of Political Correctness. I shouldn't have to feel as if I need to hide that incredibly important and vital part of who I am in order to protect the tender feelings of another. And the funny part is, I know it's all in my head. No one is offended at me being Mormon. In fact, left to my own devices, I think I'm a pretty nice, non-pushy, tolerant Mormon. I don't think I'm judge-y or assuming. I think I have an open mind. And the last thing I will ever do is push my beliefs on another person. In fact, I think I'm too close-mouthed about my beliefs and don't take appropriate opportunities often enough to share something so beautiful and precious to me. I'm so worried about offending or being pushy, that I swing the pendulum too far in the opposite direction.

Between the two groups, among others, I feel as if I've stifled who I am. I'm instantly wary and on edge whenever beliefs come up. So here, in my own personal blog, sponsored by none other than myself, I have every right to own my beliefs, every right to be LDS.

What are these beliefs?

I know that God the Father is a living god with a body of flesh and bone, that He is a being of personality, parts, and passions. I know that He sent His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ here to earth to show us how to live and who then atoned for our sins. I know that God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are. I know that we are created in the image and likeness of our Heavenly parents. I know that we have a Heavenly Mother as well... I long to know her again. I know that after this life, if we live true to ourselves and our beliefs, if we keep the covenants that we make with our Father, that we can live again with Him in the celestial kingdom. I know that in this afterlife, we can attain exaltation and be linked eternally with our families and all those dear to us. I know that through the grace of God and our own repentance and faith, we can eventually become like Him, gods and goddesses to create our own worlds.

I know that Joseph Smith was a Prophet of God. That God the Father and His Son appeared to Joseph when he sought them in prayer and that through him, the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored upon the earth in its fulness. I know that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon by the gift and power of God and that it, along with the Old and New, is also a Testament of Jesus Christ.

I know that we have a living prophet, who today receives revelation from our God and leads this Church as God would have him do. I know that while our leaders are men, and as such are fallen, corrupt creatures with a disposition to sin, the same as any other man, that they are still led by God and taught by him and that God has found them worthy to lead His Church here on earth. They are men who have worked and repented and been sanctified by Our Lord, and still repent daily in faith, striving to become better, to be worthy of their callings. If God has found them worthy in spite of whatever flaws they might have, then they are worthy.

Finally, I testify of the eternal nature of the family and the saving power of the ordinances and covenants that are available to the worthy within the temples of God. I know that there is one path to God the Father and that path is through His Son, Jesus Christ. I love Him and I love His Son. I long to return to them, to behold their faces and to know that I am worthy to do so. I love attending church and singing praises to the name of my God. For me, singing is the purest testimony and the most beautiful worship and gift that I can offer.

I have bared my soul in this post. I seek to offend no one, only to establish what I have been stifling these several months. I beg that you take it at its worth-- to me, it is more precious than anything on this earth.