It surprises me almost daily how happy I am right now. Derek is in med school and I'm still adjusting to having two children and spending all my time keeping my home and finances in order. My life is so full of projects and just... life... that I almost can't keep up. I don't feel like I have room to breathe sometimes.
But somehow, I feel like I am on a cloud most of the time. I can't remember a happier time. Somehow my marriage is more fulfilling than ever. Somehow my life at home with only one car between the two of us and only a phone and the internet to connect me to the world outside is even more fulfilling than studying to graduate magna cum laude from BYU or spending my time working. Maybe that's because I wasn't passionate about what I was doing. I've been spending more time focused on those things and people that mean the most to me. I'm developing talents that have lain dormant while I was completing my degree. I'm rediscovering interests, such as philosophy, theology, literature and art. I'm uncovering my inner chef and learning about crafts that I enjoy. And somehow, flashes of guilt occasionally darken my sunlit life.
Guilty because I am aware of how poignantly unhappy so many others are. So many other med school wives deplore med school for the time their husbands spend away from them. They are often unhappy and frustrated with life with crying, whining children. Mine cry and whine, but that is the exception, not the rule and I can almost always lay the blame for that right at my own feet. I consider that a positive, because to me, that means I have the power to correct it.
Still others of my friends are going through difficult times as well. Three have broken off or postponed meaningful relationships. Another is experiencing financial/job stress. My parents are still going through a divorce-- who knows what a strain that is for my siblings who are still living at home or nearby. I've read so many blogs lately of people who are depressed or angry or scared of themselves. These are the things that sully the purity of my elation. That others who are close to me know not the joy that I experience on a daily basis weighs my soul. And as far as I know, this difference has nothing to do with worthiness or righteousness. Most of those suffering are good, pure, righteous individuals. I dare not ask myself the question, "When will my turn come?" I'd rather not know. I'd rather enjoy as fully as possible this time while it is at my doorstep. So though that guilt occasionally mars my happiness, I do what I can to lift the burdens of others for a time; but when I am left to myself and my family, I choose not to dwell on that over which I have no power. That, I believe, is the secret to maintaining such happiness as has found me.
"Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself...True happiness is born of self-reliance."
--The laws of Manu
8 years ago
2 comments:
The great energy that you are throwing out into the universe is doing its part to make the world a way better place. You are doing a great job to lift those who suffer just by being who you are. I love you for it!
You've got to give yourself some credit here. Much of the time happiness is purely based upon our attitude, not the uncontrollable circumstances. You have a great attitude, which is allowing you to overcome things that could bog you down. Give yourself a pat on the back! And don't feel guilty about being happy. Just be grateful for it and keep up the PMA.
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