Guilty Elation

It surprises me almost daily how happy I am right now. Derek is in med school and I'm still adjusting to having two children and spending all my time keeping my home and finances in order. My life is so full of projects and just... life... that I almost can't keep up. I don't feel like I have room to breathe sometimes.

But somehow, I feel like I am on a cloud most of the time. I can't remember a happier time. Somehow my marriage is more fulfilling than ever. Somehow my life at home with only one car between the two of us and only a phone and the internet to connect me to the world outside is even more fulfilling than studying to graduate magna cum laude from BYU or spending my time working. Maybe that's because I wasn't passionate about what I was doing. I've been spending more time focused on those things and people that mean the most to me. I'm developing talents that have lain dormant while I was completing my degree. I'm rediscovering interests, such as philosophy, theology, literature and art. I'm uncovering my inner chef and learning about crafts that I enjoy. And somehow, flashes of guilt occasionally darken my sunlit life.

Guilty because I am aware of how poignantly unhappy so many others are. So many other med school wives deplore med school for the time their husbands spend away from them. They are often unhappy and frustrated with life with crying, whining children. Mine cry and whine, but that is the exception, not the rule and I can almost always lay the blame for that right at my own feet. I consider that a positive, because to me, that means I have the power to correct it.

Still others of my friends are going through difficult times as well. Three have broken off or postponed meaningful relationships. Another is experiencing financial/job stress. My parents are still going through a divorce-- who knows what a strain that is for my siblings who are still living at home or nearby. I've read so many blogs lately of people who are depressed or angry or scared of themselves. These are the things that sully the purity of my elation. That others who are close to me know not the joy that I experience on a daily basis weighs my soul. And as far as I know, this difference has nothing to do with worthiness or righteousness. Most of those suffering are good, pure, righteous individuals. I dare not ask myself the question, "When will my turn come?" I'd rather not know. I'd rather enjoy as fully as possible this time while it is at my doorstep. So though that guilt occasionally mars my happiness, I do what I can to lift the burdens of others for a time; but when I am left to myself and my family, I choose not to dwell on that over which I have no power. That, I believe, is the secret to maintaining such happiness as has found me.

"Depend not on another, but lean instead on thyself...True happiness is born of self-reliance."
--The laws of Manu

Where Credit is Due...

Looking over my past two blogs, it seems to sound like I'm allowing you people to think I actually did the work of painting my house. Sure, I helped. I did what I could and jumped in where my skill met the high standards of my task master. But mostly I just "supervised". No, really, I did the cooking--- and they were some kick@$$ meals I'll have you know--- but the credit for the painting (designing and everything) really needs to go primarily to our very own Zan Zickgraf. She took it upon herself to fly out when Alexandria was born, help me pick out colors for my house (meaning she picked the colors while I nodded) and then three months later fly out again with her mother and together they proceeded to paint my molding and my walls and caulk a good deal of it as well. That was a lot of hard work!

Now, just so you have a good idea of what is involved here, it took 2 coats of primer and 2 coats of paint to get that molding to look good white. I have a LOT of molding. And now my house looks like a new house. I'm in love. So here's a big thank you to Zan and Muckabee! We love you!

Proof

I'll take better pictures to do it justice and compare more evenly when I'm completely done and my house is clean, but this'll have to work for now...

Guilty as charged

Yeah, ok, so I lied. I lied. "Fresh" isn't exactly what you can call my blog lately. It's called false advertising. Deal with it.

So I suppose I'll go ahead and try and pick up the pieces with some excellent excuses. Namely my week spent painting my house. Three weeks ago. But then it was Spring Break--- you can't HONESTLY expect me to spend Spring Break blogging, can you? And then the next week (this week) was spent recovering from Spring Break.

What, you ask, did you do over Spring Break that you need to recover from? Well, should you indeed have the audacity to ask such a prying question, I would be well within my bounds to reply "None of your damn business!"

Nevermind the fact that it involved no traveling further than the HyVee downtown. Nevermind the fact that we're still not done painting the bathroom and the hall upstairs, even though it's been two full weeks since we completed the main floor (yes, the entire floor) in ONE week. All I have to say to you, I've already said. Good day.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

It's about that time...

(Avril "doing angry")
Well, let's see it's been forever since I updated in here, but hopefully once spring break is over and everything goes back to normal (whatever that is!) I can be a little more regular.
Really, I've been kind of waiting to do a blog until after our house was painted-- it's almost done now, so I'll be posting before and afters very soon! My wonderful in-laws, Derek's mom and Grandma (aka Muckabee) came last week and helped us paint. I could NEVER have gotten so much done so quickly, so here's a HUGE shout out to both of them! I'm so grateful, and you'll soon see why when I post pics.
Meanwhile, Derek and I have spent Spring Break painting the upstairs hall and the bathroom. Comparatively so little space! And yet we're still taking our sweet time to get it done. It's been a nice relaxing break anyhow, and I don't think I'm quite ready for it to end. We went to the park for the first time since winter began this week and Avril LOVED playing on the slide. Derek and I tossed a frisbee around (so fun compared to attempting while 8 months pregnant!) and otherwise enjoyed the wonderful weather.
So naturally, our hopes for a lovely spring were crushed upon waking up to a white wonderland this morning. I'm still a little put out over that.